°*❀. A Letter For My Jian .❀*°

My love, I have been thinking about us for a while now and I think there is something I need to say even if I do not quite know how to put it into words because somehow every word feels too small for what I mean.

I am sorry... I am sorry for all the times you have been the one who understood me when I did not even try to understand you, for all the times you chose to stay patient when I was difficult and you chose to forgive when perhaps you had every right to be upset.

You have always been there for me in ways I never realised I had grown so accustomed to, always making room for me even when I did not always make room for you, always being the one who gave in first, who reached out first, who tried to understand first and I hate admitting that sometimes I simply let you do it because somewhere in my mind I thought you would always be there.

I never meant to make your love feel like something I could simply rely on without thinking about how much of yourself you were giving to me. You deserved someone who noticed when you were tired too, someone who asked if you were alright instead of assuming you were, someone who stayed when you needed to be understood rather than leaving you to carry your feelings quietly on your own, and I am sorry that I have not always been that person for you.

I know I cannot go back and change the moments where I should have held you a little closer or listened a little longer or simply been there when you needed me, and perhaps that is the hardest part because I can remember those moments now with a clarity I wish I had possessed then. You have given me so much patience and tenderness and understanding that sometimes I wonder whether I have ever properly told you how much it means to me.

I hope you know that I noticed it even when I was too foolish to say so. I noticed every time you stayed, noticed every time you forgave me, noticed every time you put your pride aside just to make things alright between us, noticed more than you think and I am sorry that I made you feel otherwise.

I do not want you to always be the one who understands and I do not want your heart to become the place where all my mistakes are forgiven simply because you love me. I want to learn how to love you properly too not just when everything is easy and beautiful but when things become complicated and when either of us is tired or hurt or afraid

I want to be someone you can lean on without wondering whether I will still be there when things become difficult because you have been that person for me more times than I could ever count. Maybe I have spent too much time being loved by you and not enough time asking myself whether I have made you feel loved in return.

So if I have ever made you feel alone while you were standing beside me I am sorry. If I have ever made you question whether I cared I am sorry. If I have ever made you feel like your efforts were invisible then I am more sorry than I know how to explain because they were never invisible to me. I simply failed to say it enough.

You matter to me more than my pride and more than the little arguments that sometimes make us forget what we are actually fighting for. I do not expect us to be perfect because I think perfection would make love terribly boring anyway but I want us to be honest and gentle with each other and I want to become better at meeting you halfway instead of always expecting you to find your way to me.

I cannot promise that I will never make mistakes again because apparently being human comes with that rather unfortunate feature but I can promise that I will try to notice you more to listen more carefully to stay when things are difficult and to remember that you have a heart too and it deserves to be cared for just as much as mine does.

Thank you for loving me through the parts of myself that were not always easy to love and thank you for staying when I did not always know how to stay for you.

I love you and I hope that from now on you will not only hear those words from me but feel them in the way I choose you in the way I listen to you and in the way I finally learn to give you the same understanding you have given me for so long. 🤍